The Old breadKnife

I saw a really awful thing at the weekend. A guy was being ordered around, told what to do, and treated like a servant. He couldn't do what he wanted, and was at the beck and call to his master. He looked downbeaten and had the gaze of a man that was well and truly buckled.

If you don't know, Marsha flew in on Saturday...and than man is me!!!!!

So I'd been living it up as a free man for the past seven weeks. My clothes were scattered all around the room. I squeezed the toothpaste in the middle, I farted in bed, scratched myself, drank beer in the bath, and basically lived like a proper bloke..............

Her organisational skills are amazing. Not only had she started packing a week & 1/2 before she arrived but came in like a whirlwind when she got to my room. Now she has actually tidied the room, put my clothes in the wardrobe????, and organised everything...How I missed her.

Love ya Babe XX

The Real 'Holi'

Me, Sue & Andi were to be picked up by Rob on Saturday morning.

I had 'borrowed' Phil's garments for the festivities and looked pretty cool. Sort of like the costume that I wore in the picture on one of my previous blogs, but it was white (However not for long)

When we got to Rob's we went straight to his garden. The tables were bedecked with dyes, oils, powder, grease paint, water balloons, mettalic powder and god knows what else. There was a rather ominous looking bucket that was full of stuff as well. Apparently it was the original stuff they used to use before the invent of dyes etc...

Within the space of a few minutes the place was a scene of total carnage. We were all unrecognisable,painted, dyed, and soaked like drowned rats. As more & more of Pooja & Rob's friends turned up we continued to hurl paint, Splat each other with dye and have a really good laugh...

I got it big time off a group of them. rather than struggle I accepted the inevetible and took it like a man. The range of colours we all went through was fantastic. Purple, Red, Blue, Yellow, Green..You name it, we were covered in it. I mentioned the silver paint before also as this was the lethal stuff. It was the most difficult to get off, and the most enjoyable when you rubbed it in the face of your unsuspecting victim.

Andi had been running around getting everyone when we took a rest. The locals started talking in the local tongue and a plan was being sprung with Andi being the victim who was going to get it big time. Within five minutes he ended up looking like the Tin Man from' Wizard of Oz'..

By three we were all knackered. The heat was also particularly bad on Saturday as well, and we were all exhausted. We then sat and chilled for a while, had a few beers and relaxed

It was my first Holi and I certainly enjoyed myself. On the way back to the hotel there was music being played, parties everywhere and a kaleidoscope of colours. This party was gonna go on all night!!!!!

Excellent

Holi & the Incredible Hulk

Holi is a festival that is celebrated by all communities. It’s a festival of colours. It marks the beginning of summer season and is a real celebration in India.

We started our own Holi festival in work last Thursday. The day started off fairly normally. However the mood was lightened when we were told that we would be having the forthcoming Bank Holiday off..Woo hoo 4 full days.

We were all gathered together in the Break out area and the boss started off the ceremony. There were 4 plates full of coloured powdered dye. Everyone then proceeded to cover each other in the stuff. In the space of about 5 minutes we were all brightly coloured and having a whale of a time. Now the powder is quite timid and comes off fairly easily. That being said I spent a good ten minutes afterwards cleaning up. I went to outside again and was confronted by a few of the guys. They assured me that they didn't have any more powder and convinced me to join them outside. Why did I believe them?? One of them sneaked around me and covered me in Green powder....Don't get me mad.You wouldn't like it when I'm mad?? To be honest it was in the spirit of the day and I really enjoyed myself.

However as I said before, this was only in preperation for what was to come. The actual festival started on Saturday....

As Dick Dastardly would say 'Drat & Double Drat!'

Damn,Damn,and Damn again

Last night heralded the 3rd Auto Rickshaw Race.
The Three competitors was myself, Phil and Steve. We were about 25 mins away from the hotel and it was the longest track so far.

Our Lovely Host Sabina gave all 3 of the Rickshaw drivers the clear instructions, and suddenly we were under starters orders and off.......

I made a good start and shot off into an early lead. Closely followed by Steve, with Phil bringing up the rear. However for what Steve's rickshaw lacked in acceleration, on the straights, he caught up with me. Knowing this was going to be a tough race I was frantically shouting words of encouragement to my driver. Whether he understood was a different thing altogether.

Suddenly a point in the race changed everything. Me and Steve approached a T-junction. Steve's driver slammed on the brakes, but my driver, drove straight through the red lights like a maniac..Holy crap it was cool, but a bit nerve wracking...

The driver was really going for it now. I was bouncing along in the back like some sort of Fat overwight jockey riding the National on the home straight. I couldn't help but grin. Steve and Phil were way back at this stage. I suddenly had dreams of me smiling smugly occupying the winning post back at the hotel. This was furthered by the rest of the guys that were driving back in the car. They confirmed that I was in the lead, and by a long, long way.....

However something happened that unnerved me somewhat. The car went one way, and my Rickshaw went the other..Maybe the guy knew a short cut or something???

This is where things started to go pear shaped. The driver for some reason had taken me to the local shopping centre called 'PVR' This was about 10 mins away from the Hotel. I started shouting at him, "no mate. The Welcome Marriott Hotel. I need to go there. Jaldi. Jaldi" The driver simply stared back at me blankly. It was apparent that he did not have a clue where the hotel was...

I frantically rang Sabina, and asked her to speak to the driver and give him clear directions. During this time I was losing precious minutes and was looking at the realisation that victory was going to be snatched from my clutches again..5 Mins passed and we set off again. I was on the main road and pulled up to the hotel and........

The delay had been costly. Phil & Steve had already got back......I had lost again.

Now those of you that know me, You will know that I am a very gracious loser. I am humble in defeat, as I am in Victory..I can shake the victor's hands and congratulate them on a good race, consoling myself that it is the participation that counts..

What a load of bull*%**...I hate losing and even more so when I should have won!!!!

I will catch that pigeon..One day. One day !!!!!!!

What happened to the 'Stay Puft' Marshmellow Man??

Delhi by night changes dramtically. When I leave work at 01:30 the roads are usually deserted. It certainly makes a change from the thriving atmosphere on the way in.

You do however see some strange things. Take last night for example. The road was clear when suddenly a giant round shaped object seemed to be happily meandering down the road by itself. When we drove along side it, it transpired to be a tractor pulling along a heavy load of something or other.

Suddenly there was an entire convoy of these things. It looked like the Delhi Giant Marshmellow race or something???

The Cottage Emporium

Well I've been here for 6 weeks and have so far resisted the urge to do any shopping.

However I needed to do some walking after the meal at the Imperial, so thought I'd mooch around the Cottage for a while. The cottage Emporiums are scattered around India. They are government owned, and basically contain any imaginable sovenier you could need.

As thrifty as always I managed to buy some really cool stuff for under a tenner. Some of the furniture is amazing, and 95% of the products are hand made.

Guys. 1 guess where your prezzies are gonna come from!!!!!!

Snakes. Why did it have to be Snakes?

Had another exciting weekend. After a big session on Friday night, to wave off Pete & Al I didn't do much at all..Got up late and vegged at the pool all afternoon. Had a Head & Shoulder massage then went to China Gardens for a meal..Just what I needed.

I was beginning to feel that I was not soaking up enough culture, and was glad when we decided to go to India Gate. It's a really popular place, and the gate itself is a War Memorial. The surrounding park area is full of weird and exciting things. From countless hawkers, to children doing cartwheels, to the one thing I wanted to experience the most.....Holding a Snake.

The guys had been here last week and got the chance to hold a Cobra. Well when I say hold, they had it in a basket. I decided to go the full hog and have the snake around my neck. Now I must admit that I was quite nervous, especially when another guy turned up with 2 monkeys. This seemed to wind the snake up a bit, and I had images of Mojo & his wife battling with the bloody Cobra. The guy reassured me that it was ok. Hmmm this did not inspire much confidence, but I managed to stay there for a picture opportunity.

The place itself is so colourful, but the temperature is stifling..It must have been 36 degrees. Time for a bit of Opulence, so we headed to the Imperial Hotel. To be honest it makes the Marriott seem like a Berni Inn. We sat on the terrace and had an amazing meal..Steak & Mash...Gorgeous.

The Office quotes

Here are some Brent classics

David: There are limits to my comedy. There are things I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped fella and go, 'Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

Tim: I live with my parents.
David: Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad's not dead, but in a home, so good as.

David: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted, so... every cloud.

David: This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it.
Sanj: I don't, must be someone else.
David: Oh sorry, it's the other one...
Sanj: The other what... Paki?
David: Ah, that's racist.

I have also been listening to XFM where Ricky Gervais has his own chat show. He's team with Stephen Merchant and the legend that is Karl Pilkington

Log on at http://www.xfm.co.uk/sectional.asp?id=1409

it's piss funny....

'Jack PumpkinHead' & 'Right Said Pete'

Pete and Alex are two lads from bristol. They've been in Delhi for just over two weeks & sadly will be going home this Friday

In honour of them I will regale you with some stories of them both.

Please note. the stories you are about to hear may, or may not be entirely accurate. I also may elaborate them for my own comedy purposes.

Alex is a really nice friendly bloke. he owns the biggest smile I have ever seen. However these same proportions affect the rest of his noggin as well. Mr Pumpkinhead seemed about right. He's always polite and possible the most gullible person I have ever met

The jokes are on him!!!!!!

1) We told him that you are not allowed to eat with your left hand
2) We told him he had to salute the doormen on the way out of the hotel
3) We convinced him that Gelam means a generic greeting,when in actual fact it means 'Loose Motions'
4) We told him that he needs to stare at someone when they are talking to him, as to blink is a total sign of ignorance. He got the name 'Blinky' due to this
5) Picking up from his fear of Spiders, we told him about the huge ones in india called 'Drop Spiders'. They hide in trees and drop on un-suspecting tourists, taking a bite out of their neck.

Pete seems a bit more savvy then Poor old Alex,and tricking him proved more difficult. He's a young lad, and as usual, being from Bristol has a bit of the old 'oo-ah' about him. At times you can imagine him sitting in a field, with a piece of Barley hanging out of his mouth...drinking the old cider...Alright my love etc etc. It's made particularly funnier when the Aussie, Rob takes the piss out of him...Hello Peeeeterrrr!!!!!

Pete is also the 2nd one of us to pay a visit to the Apollo. Where you or I would simply take a few rennies for a bit of stomach ache, Pete felt inclined to spend two nights in the local hospital, nursing his poorly tummy. Now I'm not saying that Soutern boys are soft but.....

I've also had the misfortune to be partnered with both lads in the Rickshaw races. The first one me and Al got totally blitzed by Sue and Phil. The 2nd one was even worse, whereby me and Peter, finished last on the last race on Saturday. There are approx 1 million rickshaw drivers in Delhi (or something like that) What misfortune do I have to draw the same feckin idiot driver twice....

I had a swimming race with Al on Sturday. I started off earnestly with the old front crawl and shot off at a fair rate. Now normally when you're swimming you normally see the other person out of the corner of your eye. Not seeing Al at all, I stopped and saw him gracefully doing the Breaststroke. he must have moved about 3 foot. I guess he had to spend a vast amount of his concentration keeping his head above water. As Phil referred to a line from 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' " It's like an orange stuck on a toothpick".....

On Saturday we were all out for a meal. At the end of the night we were all pretty much trolleyed and hounding the DJ to play some classics. We listened to Gun N Roses and were all bawling along. Petes choice was a bit strange. he got up and said I'm gonna request one of my favourites. About 10 seconds later 'Deeply Dippy' came on. Whatever floats your boat mate........

All in all I've really enjoyed the lads company, and they've both been a good laugh. We've played cards, where Al got yet another nickname 'Mr Frodo' for calling the wild cards "Magic ones", drank beer, rode like lunatics around Delhi on Auto rickshaws, rode on Elephants. Me and Pete invented Matchstick Jenga. This involves a full box of matches in an ashtray and lighting one at a time, trying not to set them all off, Appreciated the finer points of Fashion TV, especially the swimsuit hour, and in all had a really good few weeks

Have a good last week lads

B

The Race, The Bounty & a packet of Fruitella's

Last night started off fairly quietly. I was still recovering from a bit of a dodgy stomach, and looked forward to a quiet meal.

Sue & Phil met me downstairs in the hotel bar after work and we just chilled for a while. Pete & Alex then arrived so we decided to get some food. By this time Sue had polished off several Large Vodka's & Cranberries and we decided to hit Dak Shin. This place do the most superb Indian Food.

We had a number of different dishes and each time specified that we want the mild ones. Pete was still dodgy about his stomach. This got lost in translation and all the food was hot and spicy (nice though)

By now Sue was well and truely gone, She was sat there saying

'It's woman's day today'
'I never swaer and I'm a real f&%&*** lady me hic'
etc
etc

As the desserts arrived Phil tried to spike Sue's ice cream with Chilli powder. She still had her wits about her unfortunately and didn't touch it.

As per my previous log, we had talked about a Auto-Rickshaw race. Phil then said why don't we have the race now.

We split into two Teams. Sue and Phil against me and Alex. Pete decided to wait at the ranch and act as judge. The stiplations in the race included this

Each team must hail a Rickshaw
Driver to PVR (local shopping complex) and back.
Stop at PVR and each buy an item of fruit
Hold hands the entire time

With the rules agreed both teams set off at a gallop out of the hotel. I've never seen the doorman salute so many people so fast. We legged it to the hotel gates and.....There was absolutely no traffic on the road whatsoever. Hmm well is was about one in the morning.

Phil and Sue wandered up the road, whilst me and Al, hung round the gates looking for our elusive fare. It sounded like Sue & Phil were being attacked by Kuja and his pals, and I didn't fancy the old foaming mouth so waited some more.

Crafty one that I am I asked the doorman if he could get us a Rickshaw. He said that there won't be many around at this time, but could get us a taxi. Now I know this is in Breach of rule No1, but there was our reputation and 100 rupees at stake.

We sneaked in our Taxi and drove past Sue & Phil. Laughing at our cunning that we were already ahead and confident of a victory. PVR however, like everywhere else was pretty much shut down. We only found one shop that was open and they only sold chocolate,cigs etc. Hang on, they sell bounty's..They're full of cocunut. Also I spied a packet of Fruitella's....they're full of the stuff..

With our two fruits we headed to where the Rickshaws were and grabbed the first driver. Throwing him 50 rupees we said Marriott Hotel 'Jaldi,Jaldi'..This guy however didn't know his stuff and spent a good few mins working out the directions...It's only two roads...

Suddenly just as we set off, Vodka Bird & Phil ran past us. Sue tried to drag me out of the rickshaw, but we sped off again. Thinking now that they had only just arrived, made us more relaxed. We had a nice quiet sedate journey back to the hotel, smug as you like that victory was ours for the taking.

This mood changed somewhat when as we pulled up Sue and Phil were already legging it back to the hotel...How the hell they got ahead of us I don't know.

We had to admit that we had been well and truely beaten. Of course being the Gallant Victors, Phil & Sue didn't rub it in our face too much...yeah right.

So ended the race. Sue and Phil had stopped into Subway and got two pieces of cake with nuts in them..Although this technically doesn't class as fruit, with our meagre offering we could hardly complain.

Now I could sit here and complain about why we lost...In actual fact I'm gonna.

Our Rickshaw driver was c***.He seemed to ignore our pleas for speed and took us the scenic route back home.

Alex counting out all his loose change to pay for the bounty & Fruitella's...10.....20......25...Oh I've lost count etc etc

Not having Sue on our Team..The vodka sodden 'lady' who persisted in shouting Snell,Snell at the poor rickshaw driver.I didn't even know he was German....

Te-quila Massage (Bird)

Me & Phil left work at about 8ish.We decided to head to Versant Vihay, where the party would be held in a club called RPM. We got there and tried the old 'I'm a English tourist, with now idea where I am, but rather than ask,I'll wander around aimlessly for a while'. We eventually stumbled upon TGI Fridays. We got two stools at he bar and ordered the usual Kingfishers. From that point on things got a bit messy. We got some cocktails, and apparently there was a deal with Absolut Vodka, so we crap loads of them. We tried Muddy Water, Strawberry Daquiris, Cosmopolitan, Vodka,Schnapps,Baileys,Kahlua,Gin,Brandy..You name it we had it in a a cocktail

I was also intrigued by the way it described in the menu how to smoke a perfect Cigar. The last line read, 'Do not stub out your cigar when you have finsihed, rather let it go naturally. After all if a cigar's that good, let it die with dignity?????'

Suddenly the man walking round with the Tequila walked by us. In for a penny, so we ordered two shots of the old lethal stuff. However this was not the normal tequila routine. Sure we put lime on our hands, and then some salt. However we then got told we have to have the massage as well...this basically meant the tequila guy, slapping you about the head as you were trying to drink your shot....after a few of these and several more cocktails, Rob & Pooja turned up. we had a drink with them (of course) and got Rob & pooja A Tequila massage as well..Well it was their Wedding Anniversary..Congratulations guys.

Me and Phil had a good laugh with the barmen as well. They tried a few card tricks but we had them well scouted. Phil did a couple and I impressed the guys by showing them how to open a bottle with a lighter...

Wandered,staggered to RPM where the party was in full swing. Obviously by this time me and Phil were well and truely trolleyed. I needed to dance to get rid of the sick feeling that was pounding around my head...No idea what the music was, but I guess I had a good time

At about 2ish me and Phil had, had enough.We wanted to go home in style and ordered a Auto-Rickshaw....And no, I can't remember much more than that

The Great White

Mr Bisset is the big boss here at work. I could tell you that he is a great man, a man of wisdom, knowledge and experience. I could tell you that he has travelled the globe and soaked up the culture and ambience in each to create a colourful, intelligent character. I could tell you of a man of refinement, elegance & wit....

However all I will say is that he's a flamin gallah ( as he would so elequantly put it. If you hadn't guess then Rob fairs from the fair country of Australia. If you can imagine Alf from Home & Away then you're on the right track.

He lets his mouth run over when you start talking about the cricket. I cannot wait to see his face when the Barmy Army crush the life out of the Aussies during the Ashes this year.

Now I'm not saying that Rob likes the odd drink now and then. However I will tell you what one waiter said to Rob last night. Now bear in mind that Rob hadn't been to the hotel for about a year. The first thing the waiter says to Rob is "I remember you, your capacity for drinking beer was most impressive"

Phil has also made the very astute observance over the PR in Australia and what a fantastic job they have done. What he means by this is that they have a massive tourist industry from just having a pointy Opera house & a rather large pebble called(Ayrs rock)

10 Things To Do In Delhi When You're Off

Sit by the pool

Sat by the pool for about 4 hours yesterday. The temperature was about 32 degrees. Enjoyed dipping in the pool to keep myself cool, plus sampled a few kingfishers.

Have a Indian Massage

Everyone else had had one of these so I thought it was time I sampled a relaxing hour of utter relaxation. However the guy, yes you heard right, a guy, proceeded to bend,crack,push,beat,and pummel me for 60 minutes. That being said I would definitly recommend this to anyone. I felt totally relaxed. However you have not got be at all self-conscious as the bloke certainly touches parts that no man has touched before..Luckily the towel saved most of modesty. Thinking of Christina Hamilton ensured that I did not get 'aroused' and lost in the moment.

The Steam Room

After the massage, another good way to expel any, stress, crap from your system is to spend a good 20 mins in the Steam room. Takes your breath away for the first few minutes, but after a couple of shallow breaths it's not too bad. I'm there with my towel on, sweating like a bastard when in walks this short bald Indian guy. Quick introduction, and his towel is off and he's sat cross legged next to me. Hmmm had a chat for a while and made my excuses.

The Hotel Bar

Feeling like I'd had the best nights sleep in ages, I relaxed in the hotel bar for a while. The Bar man Parjat (really nice guy) got my usual and I just watched the afternoon go by. The music was quitre a weird selection for a five star in Hotel. It was Rammstein. Very heavy German rock music. Apparently Parjat is really into that sort of music and we chatted for a whilse about Glastonbury. However I think we got lost in translation for a bit.

Chill in the room

Went back to my room for a couple of hours. Watched some some TV and did a crossword. Thanks Ali for the letter and picture of the baby. Can't believe you're gonna be having a baby in 3 months...Cool.

Room Service

This is the part of the hotel that I love. Ring through straight away and it's "Hello Mr Jones. What would you like" I got a gorgeous sandwich and another Kingfisher..Oh yeah did I tell you I like the odd lager or two.

The toilet

As you all know I'm one for chatting about the diversity of what happens when I'm on the toilet. Well in Delhi it's like a kinder egg. You never know what's gonna come out!!!! However I've been on the old Brown River for the past couple of days and was pleasantly surprised by what i would consider a regular movement

The wind up continues

Rob has come up with a new wind up for Pete & Alex. We've told the lads that the word 'Gelam' is used as a standard greeting, used for anything from hello,goodbye,seya later etc etc. However in actual fact it means 'I've Messed myself'...The looks they get off the doormen is excellent.

The Kebab Factory

Got a call from Phil and we were being taken out for a meal at the Kebab Factory. They bascially serve you up loads of meat including, prawns, lamb, fish, beef, Shami kebabs, and for the first time Goat...Quite rich and I was well and truely stuffed. The toilet may have brown intermittent showers today....

Cards at Andi's

Round the night off with a card session at Andi's. Me,Pete,Alex & Andi play gin for 100 rupees each. However there is a points sytem to it, and turns what is normally a boring game into one that requires a lot more thought..Alex however is the worst player I have ever seen.One of his classic is to call the 'wild' card the magic one. From this he's got the nickname 'Mr Frodo'. Pete the jammy bastard won on the last hand...Damn

Excellent day and shows that days off are what you make them..Good Karma and Gelam my friends. Gelam